This is how things happened.
I was in an unhappy marriage. It was abusive but I stayed in it because I had children. And than my husband at the time made the intention of taking a second wife and kept communicating with this woman knowing I was not happy with it. And I finally after much deliberation and having tried decided I didnt want to be with him any longer.
In this time I met a family member of one of my friends, who was extremely supportive of me during this time and also very protective always ensuring I was safe.
My husband at the time refused to accept that I wanted to leave and wanted a divorce so I was stuck in a miserable situation. This friend was my only sollace and support and In time I grew to love him for this and than fell in love with him.
He became my world with my children and was all I could see my future consisting of.
In the meantime my husband began seeing my lack of interest and care for him and eventually after much drama issued one talaaq.
During my iddat I will admit to not abiding by it completely and properly because I was so angry and hell bent on doing the opposite of whatever those who opposed on me told me to.
During this time my friend and I grew more and more close and expressed a deep desire to spend our lives together after the iddah.
Due to me just getting divorced and him being younger than me we decided that for now we would make a secret nikah and after some time tell our families and do it openly. We felt we wanted to be halaal for each other and even if we waited for a while atleast when we were together we were not committing more zina.
My iddah ended on the 11th n by the 19th we made a secret nikah, a learned person performed it, and he brought another learned person with and they acted as the witnesses. �The mehr amount was agreed upon and I even said that he cannot afford to give it to me now. Its fine I dont want it,and when we perform our open nikah he can give it then.
We were thrilled. Best day of our lives.
Many things happened thereafter. Which hurt both parties and caused alot of issues and he kept pulling away from me and the distance became very bad.
All excuses which were possible were found in order for the marriage to not be valid and eventually I found one where it said that nikah isnt valid if during the time when I was still married to my first husband , and after we had not repented than the nikah would be null. He accepted this so easily and we went our seperate ways.
Life was hard to move on from there because I love him dearly. I have spoken to others and tried alot to move on but to end up nowhere because he was all I could think of.
In my heart and soul I always felt the nikah was still valid but he was so distant and very moody that mention thereof would probably send him 100 steps further than he already was.
There was minimal contact with him during the time we were apart and with much regret of hurting the one person I truly loved I tried many a time to reconcile. To no avail.
Being rejected every single time was very painful and after being over and over again- and getting support from close friends I thought its time to move on and give someone a chance even though my mouth was saying this but my heart wasnt.
I read istikharah to ask whether he and I have a future and all I got every time I woke up was a sense of calmness.
A cousin who knew of it said she had a dream she couldnt remember but when she woke up she felt bad. And knowing that she never did like him but was very pious and deeni inclined listened to her and decided perhaps it is now time.
Having said all of this and also having a person who does actually want to be with me I love only this guy. My eyes only see him. My heart only knows him and my soul yearns to be with him again. I have always felt my nikah is still valid. He doesnt communicate much with me and will probably ignore me even telling him the nikah is valid but I need to know. I need to have clarity. And I know all I can do is make dua Allah softens his heart and one day bring him back to me. If we are still in nikah I know I can live my life as his wife even if he doesnt accept it. So I dont speak to others or allow anyone to bring anyone to see me for marriage purposes. Is my nikah still valid?