marriage problems

Question ID: 31344

Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu,
I’m a terrible dilemma. I don’t know what decision to choose. Which is better for my life in the Dunya and the Akhira.I don’t Know any Sheikh, ulema, who I to ask, because I speak to you. I hope not boring with my long text, but my intention is to be objective and fair, and you decide if I have reason to think that my husband is unfair or otherwise I’m wrong.Sorry for my mistakes grammars, but I don’t speak English, I use an online translator.
My husband and me, follow the madhab Hanafi.
In March made a year that I got married by Allaah. Until then I lived with my waly and his family by the refusal of my family accept my conversion to Islam (in the middle of the year 2008). My waly and I put our trust in Allah subhana ta’ala and look for a husband in a matrimonial website. My waly advised me that this would be a good method, because all unmarried Muslim men that he knew were not good for marriage (men not religious, and many of them only wanted married a European to get roles – my waly is Pakistani, and acquaintances are paquistanies). My waly also got in touch with the main mosque of the city where residiamos (which is the most frequented). (Because the other mosque where he came to pray told me that did not like anything the brothers who were visiting) Although only got in touch a convert brother, Spanish, who showed his strangeness because a Muslim woman seeking husband through a mosque and not as unbelievers do (with outputs to meetings, dating). My waly and I realized that this brother and I buscabamos different things. For this reason, always with my waly beside p?_bliqu?? my profile in various matrimonial website (my age, nationality, I’m Muslim sunni, studies, mother tongue, marital status, hobbies, what I wanted from my future husband) and left an e-mail (which revised sometimes my waly alone, and sometimes my waly next to my) where contact me. Of the brothers who contactara_n with me, there was one that my waly and his family think that was a good Muslim and who invite_n to come and meet me and talk together.
This brother was convert like me, portuguese but resident in Norway for about ten years. He said that only he had been married for a time, he was divorced and had a son by that marriage, which he was religious. He said he would cooperate in the household chores when he was not working because he wanted a wife to enter Jannat, not a maid. I do not I liked what he wrote because I did not feel that what was both and both called on Allah (perhaps isn’t very important, but for my it was, and is, for example, I knew that he did not follow the sunnah in their dress, and you desagradaban brothers who did.) Although that Yes, the had and has the long beard). I wanted a brother dedicated to the way of Allah, a brother followed the sunnah in his way of dressing, regularly went to the mosque, who attended talks, lectures on islam, whose friends were the pious brothers of the mosque, which was much better than I in their practice of Islam that so I could with the permission of Allah improve and help to educate our future children as good Muslims. To me, this brother I thought it was a modern Muslim (who practice Islam adapted to the West), but as my waly told me that sometimes Internet things are different from reality, agreed to meet him. He came, the first impression I liked nothing (I saw him little neat) but as I wanted to marry by Allah I thought that what was important was that he was a good Muslim, and perhaps the trip made it seem that he disliked taking baths. My waly to see him told me he doesn’t like anything (by the subject of the baths), but that we could not tell that it was without listening to it.
We Talked that night with him, and nothing, both my waly as I thought that this was not the right man for my. He spent two days with us. In those two days did not take bath, and not what I saw praying, he said that the prayed prayers all together at night because he was traveling and I could do it. I do not liked that. My waly said that perhaps he felt ashamed to take a bath in the toilet of a few strangers, and it was true that he was travelling… In their talks the he showed as a tolerant and friendly, cooperative person with his future wife, but however it avoided involvement in today’s Muslim “tricky” issues (for example: he did not want to give his opinion about the American invasion in Afghanistan, nor would the decision he would take if they came to his house to try to attack his wife)(, to his family). My waly and his family for everything that saw him pensar?_n that was a good man, who was just shy and did weird things and said strange things because it was not in his house, and we did not know. To me, he still doesn’t liked me, but I thought that if my waly and his family saw him well, and I all salats since that was looking for husband, had asked Allah a religious man and good Muslim, dedicated to the path of Allaah, and appeared this convert brother, it was because the man was good for my life. So accept me marry him.
We are trying to do nikab in a mosque in Spain, but they needed some of his papers (because he is Portuguese) and could not be done in Spain. It was decided that he return to Norway, and I travel to Norway within a week, and arriving you were at a mosque there to get married. Before that he left, I took him to my parents so that they knew with that man was going to marry me, and had no fear for me (although they are not Muslim, wished they knew where I was going to start a new life). He promised to fix the House for my arrival. I trip to Norway myself (my waly, nor anyone in his family could accompany me, my father either). He was waiting at the airport. First took me to his house, which would be our home for cease my baggage. When I saw the House wanted to return immediately to Spain with my parents, with my waly and his family, or who was, but out there running: was dirty, very, very, dirty, smelled very bad, even the toilet, the water (where people do their needs), had excrement. The bedroom was filled with clothes lying on top of the bed, stinky. It all smelled very bad. I asked before going to Norway if the House was small, normal or large. The response than normal. But it was not normal, it was very, very small.
A single bedroom where he slept with his son aged 7 when it came for visit, the toilet room and the lounge-kitchen. Told me that viviriamos in a village which had supermarket, school, post office, library, etc… but in reality we lived several kilometers of the town. And from where we lived until the people there was no bus. There were only 5 houses around us and road (I did not speak neither Norwegian nor English, so if you had some issue could not ask help, you should expect that the came from working with your car). In the House there was not any phone to call him when he was at work (is librarian) if I needed something. The computer could be from 5 in the afternoon, and had a password that did not want to give me. Neither he wanted to leave me, nor did ever, money if I was in an emergency. It was isolated in the middle of the road…
Still, I went with him to the mosque to marry me. On the road I made duah asking Allah subhana ta’ala that if this man was not good for me, away he from my life, that I had some setback that I not I marry him. But there was not. In the mosque I could doesn’t signature nikab because although I am Spanish and European, in Norway if you don’t work can’t marry foreigners (my husband is green card but I not). So the wedding was made with the Sheikh of the mosque as my waly, and two witnesses of the brothers who were there but without signing anything. I have no papers (although I know that this wedding was tenders to Allaah). The Sheikh asked me that it had request for dowry,by modesty I never spoke of that with which he was going to be my husband and I answer him that what Allaah have for me. The Sheikh asked who was going to be my husband, and he told him that he had wrapped in gift paper and then give me it.Then the I had married I was crying in despair at what I had just done. My husband (we already were married) I gave my dowry (a noruego�_-espa?�ol dictionary, a small box of chocolates, an article by joke of Portugal, and two mini bottles (3 ml) of essence). There was not any kind of celebration. No special or sweet food. That day the only thing I to take since I arrived at 3 p.m., was a coffee that I brought from Spain. He did not do anything special that day or any other.
I had my mobile phone Spaniard (this movil phone in Norway, it can not receive calls. Only I can call myself, if I have money in the mobile phone) and I wanted call my parents and my waly for say that I was well and was married. My husband was reluctant to leave me your mobile to alert them (my mobile phone lacked enough balance), but agreed. My parents me said that they had 3 hours llamandome and already thought that it had arisen problems in flight. I told them that I could not receive calls, but already I calling them would be, or already achieved a mobile compatible in Norway . My waly and his family also were concerned about how little that I can tell .Since then my husband started to show his hidden face: his intention to separate me from my environment and have me isolated. I told my husband that he would need a mobile so my parents could call me, he replied they rang to hers, that give them their working hours, and that they had not to be all llamandome day, which was a married woman and they should not interfere in our marriage. Neither wanted to maintain relations with my waly and his family, despite being good Muslims, and they have cared of my for several years (Allah subhana ta’ala I gave of their livelihood through them, food, bed, clothes, without ever having that pay nothing, because they did so for fisibilillah, and they considered to me a daughter, a sister of hers)
He did not want to visit a part of the family of my waly that resides in Denmark (next to Norway) nor here in Spain. It is as if he wanted to I get away from my environment, he have me as a maid without pay, only to food and bed, isolated, in an unknown country, with a strange man for me that was not what he said before get married, in a desolate place which could not leave if he had problems and I be walking several kilometers on the road. The day after I got married I discovered he had porn pictures in the bedroom, and a pornographic book. Also I discovered that he was left-handed, and he eat and drink with the left, because he say it was false that Shaytan eat and drink when the person was fed with the left hand (in the waly’s House used his right hand to drink and eat! tricked us this also). Another unpleasant surprise was that not shaved her genitals and her armpits, says that it is not necessary, and that he dislikes baths. I realized that not all the food took were halal: He not eating pork, but he ate chicken and other meats were not culled by the Islamic rite, so in the fridge I found meat haram, even lied me telling me that a package of sausages that he had him were halal, and then after having eaten I, discovered at the supermarket were haram!. Not worried about the additives haram (471, 472, 120, etc…) I had to be very heavy so that it does not eat that, nor be given it to his son when you come visit.
After a few days, when he wanted to register our marriage in Norway, had to confess to me that the was divorced twice (had said me that only once he had married). I felt betrayed, because I just agreed to meet him thinking he just had a divorce “behind his back”, not two. Not able to hold the wedding, they asked that I had a job (I not speak Norwegian or English, and More over, we had agreed that I had no obligation to work because it was their obligation to bring sustenance to house). So do not I registered in Norway, not that day, nor to today. I am one “without papers” in Norway. Result?_ which he did not live Islam at 100%: in his job barely anyone knew it was Muslim (his boss or his bandmates work. all women, he is the only man), nor landlords knew it (the House was rent), so when they saw to my with jilbab they began to look very bad. He used and regularly uses facebook (the before get married not told me, so I could not see that kind of “Cyber friends” has), and almost all your contacts (178 from 184) are not-Muslims , many of them are kuffar women (coworkers, classmates of studies, known, known of known), some of them desvergonzadas that hang obscene photos, or talk about their nights of drunkenness.
All showing his auraw without any shame. I said many times that eliminate those contacts, that he have relationship with Muslims only (if they are women does not matter, provided that they are Muslim and be afraid of Allah and for knowledge).After a few months after the wedding, he put in his status that he was married, because he did not want to put it. ! Even among your contacts from facebook had a girlfriend, to a woman who was Muslim (though she not used jilbab and she hung pictures in bikini, bathing suit) he was with her as the lovers a few years after his divorce, and he and she were not married, and on holiday went to the my in-laws’s house (they are kuffar) whith the son of my husband. (at that time the child was of 5 years) without fear of Allah and without thinking that it was a bad influence for his son. Also got her it eliminate their contacts, and I discovered on his computer he kept other brides their own photos, and correspondence (e-mails, some obscene) women and several of those photos were very dirty. Even photos of his ex-wife, the second, the mother of his son, kissing her or giving breastfeed her child and showing his chest… When I asked explanations because I thought he only had been married to the mother of his son, and since his divorce had not kept relations haram for being Muslim, I accused to me of uncompromising moralist, and Muslim fanatic.He showed many times be annoying because I was not cooperating with expenditures of the House, today it is normal that women work, when before we married we said (my waly, his family and I ) very clear that to not be I forced to sustain the family would not work, and that if you do, the money would be for my ( to use on my salvation, for example charity) but not to pay the rent of the House nor food, which is required of him. He count the money that spent on food for the family, always let’s both do the weekly shopping, and it is always protesting at what it spends on food. Needless to say other things of necessity as clothing (to be pregnant, after the months I needed bought clothes), or wanting to buy a wider jilaba it had, or a few larger hijabs. However, he spends lots of money on accessories for your photo camera. I wanted to divorce him, because that man was not what I was looking for, but a few days of marry me Allah subhana ta’ala did to me she was pregnant, so I thought it would be a sign of Allah to continue.
My life with he it increasingly became worse. Strong Discussions always. The showed openly his hatred for Muslims of origin (Arab, Asian, etc…), their disgust by the niqabis sisters and the brothers who wear following the sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad-sallahu alauhi wa sallam. Even discutiamos because I showed my interest is that our baby, will go to the Madraza when he grows up to memorize the Koran, and inshaAllah a day, he came to be alim, and however he say: “put it in a madrassa that is a ghetto, full of Arab or paquistanies, and what had to be done that our child will studying to be an engineer or mathematician”. He defends the theory of evolution, and wants our son to be a Muslim who believes in this aberration. The discussions increased , came the blows, first little few,and then to be many blows, being pregnant has come to throw me to the ground, and to bed, and put his body on top of me, crushing his belly against mine. Hit me even before his son (when the child comes to see his father a few days). I know I’m not perfect, that when we discussed, I soon lost patience, and if he raises his voice, me too,y le digo a ??l las cosas feas (por ejemplo, ser un mal marido y un mal musulm??n, y no tiene temor de Dios) y est?? muy mal, pero todav?_a no entiendo por qu?? no se limita a hablar, me gritan y dicen lo que quiere pero no. golpe (sin duda una descarga en el embarazo han afectado a mi beb??). All this I have depression, I am diagnosed and the psychiatrist (the time I had to stay in Spain after giving birth, on the advice of my parents pedi appointment with the psychiatrist so that it recetase me something that made me feel better) told me that he would take a whole year, and attend therapy, but as I am again pregnantI can not take medication. Neither therapy because my husband has not sought a therapist for my Norway, shows no interest in my emotional health
My husband finally agreed to buy a mobile phone for me, if I had trouble calling it to their work. On the other hand, my parents put money on mobile phone Spainard, so when I want to talk to them, I call them, because they did not dare to call me my mobile Norway (purchased by my husband) if he was, and bothered. I had to hide the times he talked to my parents, because their desire is that I reniege of my family, my environment, my roots. He hates everything that has to do with me, and I find no explanation.When missing a couple of months to give birth, I got that you cease me to come to Spain, home of my parents, to have my baby here. I wanted to give birth in my country, in my city, where my parents live because here I feel safe, because it had never been a mother, and there in Norway I don’t have friends or family, nor know Muslim whom to ask for help (my husband has no contact with Muslims, only with one Muslim marriage, the husband thinks it is halal for Muslims kuffar participate in politics, which goes to the beach with his wife, whose wife does not use jilbab or hijab, and she speaks openly with my husband, and you smile and be rie with him, without any shame.I do not want to have contact with them, and neither that has my husband).I have advised my husband many times go to the mosque, go to lectures and conferences that occur, make friends of the pious brothers who come to her, but he does not want. Always talk badly of Arab Muslims and paquistanies and only shows interest in people with a high academic curriculum (forgetting that the important thing is the tawqa). It is not even able to ask in his work, his boss, leaving before Friday to pray the salat in congregation yumuah. During Ramadan nor want to take vacation, prefers to be working this month, and take holidays before or after Ramadan, and not asking for free minutes during Ramadan to pray the salat on time…A few weeks before traveling to Spain to give birth, Allah subhana ta’ ala made that we changed of house, to a larger because there it was very difficult to be two adults, a baby, and the son of my husband when it came to visit, as well as remote which was everything. As I said, I went to come to Spain to give birth. But although my husband reluctantly gave her consent, not left nor a day of reproach which I was at my parents House. Not a single day. The stayed in Norway for his work, we talked about Skype, they were discussions on a daily basis, causing me cry every day, still pregnant, gave equal.Even the day I gave birth (he was present, requested days off by the proximity of childbirth) didn’t want that my mother was a little time with me. To prevent this, he did not want to leave the room to eat or drink something out, so she could not enter. That same night badly spoke them to my parents, and I swear by Allah subhana ta’ ala that my parents never have told nothing wrong, never, so I then do not have problems with him. That same night also discussed with me, had just given birth, and in the room he discussed with me…We were both together, along with our baby, a month in my parents House. Daily was in a bad mood, talking about my family, the city where I am, the country for which I am evil. Months earlier he had already begun to criticize my roots, sometimes in front of his son, although he was somewhat sporadic. The always knew that I was Spanish. Spain and Portugal are not so different countries to feel so much hatred, but he and his parents hate Spain and the Spaniards. And so made it me feel. On the two occasions that I have been with their parents, they have insulted the Spaniards, I respect them no I said nothing, but can not anymore. Because his grandson, my baby is also half Spanish, and I don’t want when he grows more hear insults towards the country of his mother, to the country of her maternal grandparents.As I said during that month did not stop to make me feel bad for having wanted to give birth in Spain (repeat I did because in Norway I have no family, no sisters or friends, or anything, my husband and me are alone, the only family is his son who now just turned 9 years, so it is not no help because it is a child and he living whit his mother and his brothers). At the end of the month, end your parental leave (their days off as father) he returned to Norway, and I was in Spain because it had to wait until our baby had his Portuguese passport to travel (the Spanish, because they wouldn’t put the surname in the Portuguese order, the surnames are not placed in a Spain manner and another in Portugal.) I do not I care that our baby will lead the surnames as the country of my husband). I had to be a month and a half more, and all that time they were discussions via Skype. So many, so many, so many humiliations, I thought divorce me, now that I was at home from my parents, in a safe place. But again I had fear of Allah, if it wasn’t the right thing, and I decided to give a chance to my husband. With lots of fear, which is why I expect with my husband returned to Norway.
The same day that we went to Norway we discussed. The promised me to hire a person a few days to clean the House, but upon arrival I discovered that it did not want to do so. The House was dirty, very dirty. I felt it as my wedding day. It made me think again that he only had married to have a maid in the House and a machine to make children. A week more later there was again a great discussion with his eldest son listening ntodo (the son from his previous marriage) he hit me with my baby in arms, my baby screaming frightened and the chillandome and pegandome. But again Allah subhana ta’ala made me she was pregnant (succeeded a few days of returning to Norway). The days of returning to Norway I discovered that she had bought a new laptop for him, without asking my opinion. He spent money on a laptop rather than on his family, knowing that more spending is necessary with a baby. he account the money spent on our lunch, our clothes, lunch and clothes our baby, but he don’t account the money spend on things for him (laptop, your photographic camera accessories).From this month I have had to talk by Skype with my parents to sneak my husband, because he is annoyed. He not bother them that they are incredulous, because his parents also are, and their parents have shown me openly its displeasure by my jilbab and eat only halal (they think I’m a muslim crazy , because they’ve seen my husband eating meat haram, his grandson eat meat haram, the Muslim bride of his son to eat meat haram, and not be few more Muslim people wear indecent way and take food haram and only I, the crazy muslim spanish uses jilbab and do not eat many things…). My husband is bothered whit my parents because are they are Spanish (I’m Spanish) and he believes that they are trash by its origins (Spain, like mine)… So much hatred is desperate for what I am, and my parents have to see her grandson by Skype hidden. I Not being even registered in Norway (so necessary that I get to work or I married by the laws of the men with him, civil), I have no right to many things, including health care, but with the European health insurance card (a card with which I travel Europe and have doctor free, because it is Spain who pays this service, and in Spain it’s free for now) can go free to the doctor in Norway, but for topics more serious as an operation I prefer to be my family doctor (because she knows my history, and speak the same language.) (I continued without knowing speak Norwegian or English).By health issues, I had to return to Spain. My husband even though he knew it was for health issues invented excuses to not pay the ticket and it was my parents who paid. I traveled alone with my baby (my husband did not want to spend money on joining us) still I am in Spain, in my parents House. Discussions by Skype go to worst, he don’t stop to humiliate me, insulting my roots, my parents. I have asked that when he returns to Norway, as I do not want to be helpless without knowing the language, hire a teacher that go home to teach me, when he is in the house if our baby needs something he can give it. But the refuses. It says that we can leave children in the care of a woman (as a former classmate of work), and go to classes paid by the State in part, so are cheaper. More importantly for him his money, that the safety of your baby (it is tiny, is 5 months old, does not speak, and if someone hurt you, you can not say it, Furthermore, I do not want kuffar people have contact with my baby, except for my parents, or parents of my husband).
I’m desperate, I do not know to do. I’ve done the salat istkijara to know if it is good for my return to Norway, but or Allah subhana ta’ala has not indicated me the answer, or I do not know interpret Their responses.On the one hand I don’t want return with my husband, I want to divorce him because it makes me extremely unhappy. The reason why I got married, by Allah subhana ta’ala, to be with a person that help me enter the Firdaws, not be gives. He is completely different to what it asked for in my duah Allah subhana ta’ ala when I was looking for husband. Sometimes, in my desperation, I think that Allah subhana ta’ala has made me of these people to the fire of hell and Allah subhana ta’ala gave me married to this man, that I despair so much that I commit suicide (astagfirullah). I think this often.
On the other hand the House of my parents is not the right place to give an Islamic education to my baby, and the future baby who has at the end of this year, inshaAllah. They now respect that I am muslim, and they respect my way of dressing, the jilbab, and that I not eat pork and only eat volume halal food (meat halal, bread and other foods without additives haram, etc…) but they are not Muslim. My baby will be tempted to listen to music, there are many images and imagery in the House of my parents, it is likely that there are jinns and Angels not entering in the house by images. Until I do not job, and I earn enough, not could rent a House myself, and take care my babies myself without the help of my parents. I fear that Allah subhana ta’ala me will punish with hell if to seek divorce from my husband… I do not know to do.
Do could you advise me the best for my in this life and in the hereafter?Many thanks in advance.
Allah protect us, guide us and grant us the Firdaws.

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Asked on November 16, 2012 12:41 pm
Private answer

Better to leave this type of a husband.
Go back home.
Call for temporary separation. Be yourself. Steadfast on Islaam, Allaah will protect you and your baby.

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Answered on November 16, 2012 12:41 pm