From the last one year I am in deep trouble, now I will tell you my whole problem, last year my mother died, since then I am in a great sin feeling, I am a very big sinner, last year my mother fell down and her hipbone fractured, she came to bed and even couldn’t go to the washroom, me and my father take care of her, we use pampers for her and most of the time I used to clean her and I put her pamper two times, I tried to take care of her, I was doing phd in Islamabad but I came to her to take care of her and when she will be better then I will again join the phd, she was a cardic patient and also a severe patient of depression, she has no interest in life even she did not want to take meals, me and my father always force her to come back to life but she does not co-operate us, sometimes I have to show aggression to her so that she take interst in things, I am now repenting too much for showing aggression to her, due to this I have too much of a feeling that I did bad with my mother and I am a sinner. The day at which my mother died, I have very bad feelings, I will tell you in detail.
23rd may 2013. At 3pm my mothers breath started to break, intiallity couldnt understand what was happening, I took her to hospital, her treatment started, I was standing by her bed and was praying that she will be fine, I have no feeling that she will die today and I was assured that she will be fine. Nurse asked me to go out as they want to do an ecg on my mother, I came out and praying that my mother will get well, after few minutes dr called me and said to me that your mother is dying and there is no chance that she will survive, as I heard that, I started to weep, I have a very strange feeling, my feeling is that it is good that my mother is dying, she was so ill that today or tommrow she has to die, the grief which I have to bear tommrow I will bear today, then I also think that now I am free from the care of my mother, now I will do my other things, after hearing that my overall feeling was that I was happy that mother is dying and after hearing that I want my mother to die, so that I will got free from her care, but all this feeling developed in me when dr told me , there is no chance that your mother will survive, I came out of the ward and sat in the hospital hall, still while sitting there I prayed for mother that she will survive, but I wanted mother to die, dr called me and told me that your mother is dead, which I was wishing and in my mind it is coming that it is good that your mother is dead, now you are free from each and every thing and you will live the life easily, these all feelings coming into my mind and I was weeping and weeping and thinking in that way. Until I have not buried my mother I remained in that state and different types of feeling coming into my mind and I was weeping too much, after buring my mother I came to my senses and I feel that I lost a very big thing which has no compensation and feel that I was mean that I wanted my mother to die, I feel very bad and due to these feelings I often think of suicide because I feel that I am so mean that I have no right to live who wants her mother todie, all the times these things came into my mind and I went into deep depression that how I can think like that for my mother whom I loved too much and for her I can give my life. I daily went to her grave for fatiha and forgiveness of the sin which I did, I have too much repentance and since the death of my mother I remained unable to do anything, my whole life is destroyed, I cant live with these feeling, I feel that God and my mother never forgave me, kindly guide me what I will do, I am finshing, I will wait for your reply. Sir one thing I again want to mention that all that feeling developed in me after hearing from the doctor that there is no chance that my mother will survive before that I never think of my mothers death and always pray that she will get long life. Now I also feel that I am a bad person that if my mother was alive, I dont know what I will do with her if she was alive as I can think any bad thing, I have left no trust on me, I feel that I can do any bad thing, now I think most of the time that as I have to take care of my mother, so to get rid of her, these thoughts came into mind, now this thought also came into mind that I feel my mother is a burden on me so I think I like that, but when she was alive I thought that I am taking very good care of her but now I feel that I did very bad with her, kindly help, I am finishing.