Assalam-o-alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh and Ramadan mubarak,
I’m a 19-year-old brother and I think that I’m recently suffering from terrible, obscene waswaas regarding my aqeedah that I can’t even mention. I feel extremely anxious and fearful of displeasing Allah subhaana wa ta’aala with any thoughts that enter my mind, and sometimes trying to shut out those thoughts makes them come back even worse. I know that waswaas should be ignored, but I can’t help but obsess over them and try to “rectify” them and convince myself that those are not my thoughts or something I meant, but they keep coming back because of it and it makes me extremely depressed and makes me doubt if those waswaas are becoming my thoughts and if I will be held accountable for them. The depression makes it even worse, it’s like a vicious cycle.
Sometimes the waswaas interfere with my ibaadah and dhikr and I have missed some Taraweeh because of that, I know it’s a horrible thing especially in this holy month of Ramadan. I did some research and I think that the intrusive thoughts are because of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), since I also often doubt if I prayed correctly and I’ve noticed that my sister is also very scrupulous with her rituals (there might be a genetic link I guess). I haven’t told anyone in my family about it yet and I’m considering taking medication (anti-depressants like Anafranil or Prozac) for it. I try to do astaghfaar and tauba and recite the shahadah several times as soon as the waswaas come to me and I try ignoring them but I can’t help but feeling very stressed about when they might strike again. It’s making me very worried about my emaan.
I had such an episode before when I was about 11, it went away after some weeks and I was fine until now. It’s like it’s happening all over again. I have been a practicing Muslim as long as I can remember but recently during Ramadan I have tried to give up music and porn (yes, I’m ashamed that I used to watch it) and become a better Muslim and these waswaas are bothering me a lot now, I’m finding it hard to enjoy my life (we’re on summer vacations from college) and the holy month of Ramadan. Please help me.
Jazak Allah khair