Assamualaikum respected mufti elias. i was directed to this email add for my personal q and i hope i am not infringing on your personal space.please forgive me if i am not supposed to post here.my dilemma is as follows:
I am married for 4 years to a man from botswana and residing in SA and i am living with his mum and sister, I requested to live separate because there are family members of his from Botswana coming to stay at the house every now and again and I don’t have privacy and time alone with my husband..Whenever i hint at him to come to our room after coming back from work so that we can be alone and have some privacy, he refuses and prefers to sit with his mum and sister.
my husband wants to me to put up with people being around us all the time, his mother, and unmarried sister. Also his married sisters and other extended family come and stay over every now and then with their kids, who are very rowdy, noisy and distrupt my piece and quiet, I feel oppressed as whenever I voice my discontent he becomes angry, defensive and dismisses my plea for us to live alone in privacy as petty and unjustified.
He futher says that this is his happiness and I am selfish.we hardly have time alone as a couple
i feel hurt, rejected and unloved, because in the late night when he wants to go up late, then he expects me to honor his conjugal rights, while i feel emotionally bereft. I think he also feels that his mum is more deserving of his companionship than i am as he has mentioned a hadith where a sahabi asked our beloved prophet (SAW) as he responded thrice your mother and then next the father.
my husband doesn’t want to provide separate accomadation, even though he is able to rent as his monthly is plus R25 000 and his i am earning around the same, as he feels that his mum will be lonely in the evenings.
I started taking contraceptives without his knowledge because I felt that my marital right wasn’t being met, and was fearing that my marriage might break due conflict with my husband, regarding this issue. I don’t want to fall pregnant as he doesn’t fulfill my rights to having a private residence and living our own lives as a couple. i feel despondent, suffocated, depressed and want to get out of this relationship.
my questions are as follows:
1)Don’t i have any right to live alone with my husband in seclusion and not have any interference from my mother in law, and other in laws?
2) Do i have a right to his exclusive companionship and company in the evenings after work as i need privacy to interact with him?
3) does his mum have more right over companionship or do i being married to him?
3)Does my husband lose some rights over me as he is failing to fulfill my rights upon him?
4)I am distressed as I read that a hadith that the ibaadat of a women who is in disobedience to her husband is not accepted until she returns to obedience to her husband. is my acts of worship and ibaadat accepted or not?
5) is my husband sinful for neglecting my emotional needs and well-being, and will be taken to task for it?
Jazakallah khair for your time!
May Allah reward Elias for all mufti efforts that are exerted in providing guidance for the muslim ummah.