Mufti Saheb I am in a confusing situation. I cant make up my mind on how to go forward.
I recently finished school and while in school I was like all the other “muslim boys”, engulfed in sin. During my matric year, I intended to study the following year but couldn’t decide what to do, so one night not with the method and dua of Istikhara but in the back of my mind I was asking Allah to show me which course was better. I read two rakaats and made a dua and went to sleep, before I fell asleep I had a strange thought, and that was to study something which I could use to help the people of palestine, engineering. I thought about it but I then let it go. The next day I did the same thing and and the exact same thought came to mind. I was quite sure it was from Allah, so I made that the object and initiated a great desire to fight and give my life for Allah. It only grew and grew in my heart till the entire world was detested in my heart. At the end of my matric year I went for 4 Months in jamaat and came back back with an even great desire. I thought of going directly from the 4 months to the battlefield in Afghan but thought the Elders might be very upset and so I came home and completed my hifz, but still my desire grew more. I than posted the question of going to give my life to a few Aalims and Jamaat brothers but they said that I shouldn’t go. I am now at home loosing that desire for giving my life and slowly shaitaan is encouraging me to do wrong. I still hate sin and everywhere I go and I see e.g. a muslim woman not wearing a scarf and making herself attractive, I feel like getting rid of her. I am not perfect with many wrongs in me, but I can’t stand living in this evil world any more and even the thought of if Allah gives me another 40yrs to live in this evel, I want to go die in the path of Allah ASAP.
Please advise me.