Question ID: 29753
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as salaamu alaikum,
Dear mufit saab,

I need some advice and wisdom.
I am 37yrs old and not married. Always in the past I have been frustrated by girls or their parents making demands of the wordly kind in the past for an acceptance to go through.
Thus things have never went forward.

Finally about 6 months ago, I met a girl by co-incidence. My mother seen her and suggested that I consider her for marriage. I took my time and finally gave my mother the answer as yes and we have formally asked for the girls hand in marriage. But, things have changed from my mother side. Every time I bring up an issue or a question that the girl asks, my mother becomes angry, starts an argument and then says all sorts of thing,
eg. they already controlling you, i am your mother and jannat lies by my feet etc.
To give you an idea of the bigger picture, I am the only support for my mummy, Her parents will not look after her or even give any financial assistance unless my mum “bows” down to her younger sister (lots of family politics), for the past 3 years or so, business wise things have become really bad, financially and at the moment I am living off my mums pension grant and a rental i rec. for keeping boarders in my back-yard cottage which at the moment just covers our basic food and w/l. I know everything is in Allaahs hands but what people say with the tongue and believe in their hearts are 2 different things.

The other night I suggested to my mummy, I’ll speak to someone I know and ask for a interest free loan so that I can expand my cottage so that I can generate more income. So she replied, tell the girl she must live like us off my pension! If there is no money she must just live like us. So I told, get real, you can’t expect another person’s daughter to live like this, girls when they get married, have needs, expenses and certain wants. She started to argue and fight etc.

The girls people have requested to visit our house before they give an answer, my mother said no and told me the girls people must say yes or no, coming to her house is no business of theirs.
Another issue that came up, I informed my mother that mehr needs to be given and a coin has become the standard, so she told me, I must tell the girl straight, I’ll give her what ever I want and not what she expects. 🙁
Mufit saab,
I am getting the feeling that my mother does not want me to get married, ever.
She keeps making excuses or starting fights. I am in a position where I don’t know where to turn. My mother, sadly, is making things more difficult in this decision. I have not informed the girl, who I must say has been very understanding. (even though she has been receiving lots of “flak” from her side because the parents are looking for someone wealthy) of all the background things that have been happening on my side.
The girl has already accepted that I don’t want all this fanfare, i just want a simple nikah. no party and all this other stuff that goes on in our community

Please advise and grant me some of your wisdom.

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Asked on January 10, 2014 3:30 pm
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Private answer
Assure your mother that you will not discard her. If you can get an interest free loan then do so. Get married and live simply. Talk to and convince your mother positively.
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Answered on January 10, 2014 3:30 pm