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Assalaamualaikum Mufti
I am a young girl who has just turned 20, and as a young impressionable girl in my early stages of life, I am noticing amongst myself, my friends and family members alot of discrimination occurring on the basis of looks amongst our wealthy prominent Muslim homes which is stemming from the elders. Parents would much rather have their children become involved with drug addicts, people with low morals indulging in haraam activities such as strip clubs and brothels rather than have their daughters settle down with someone who has all the good qualities but is not aesthetically pleasing. The has become such a phenomenon in our Muslim homes parents discourage their children and forbid their children to marry a decent but chubby boy but are overjoyed to throw their daughters away to a high flyer that looks good and dresses well In the circumstances where children have succumb to the pressure of their parents, the daughters are suffering as the boys are not settling down and are verbally abusive, taking drugs, visiting brothels and leaving their wives alone to fed for themselves on a daily basis and to look after the new born children. The girls are suffering and this is stemming from parents who made their choices and are now want to dictate to their children what to choose just because it looks like it fits all the criteria. Parents are very much aware of the drugs and haraam activities being carried out within their youth and in these homes yet they choose to ignore it. As a young girl I always believed it was the deen, piety and character of a suitor that matter more than his weight, physical appearance or complexion. I do believed the beloved prophet Muhammad saw had stated to marry your own kind, someone similar to you, being of the same culture, same background, same religion, and I would go as far to say that in this modern age the same social standing so it is easy to settle into life, but if the boy has all of those attributes including a good solid education, however he has a weight problem or is not the best of looking yet you are still attracted to him, why should you choose someone else who partakes in drugs and haraam activities
It is imperative that parents and elders give their advice. It is imperative that parents advise their children but as a young Muslim girl who is being educated and hopefully, by the will of the almighty would like to have her own children someday, I can not dream of advising my children to choose someone who is visiting brothels and is hooked on drugs even if it is weed saying that it is not such a serious thing. I am of the believe that marriage is a sacred union where divorce is not an option. I will be the one having to live my life and no matter how much support received from my parents they will not be living my life or living in my situation. I value my parents advice but is the advice wrong to choose someone who looks good rather than choosing someone with good morals and values but may however be a bit chubby?
I have seen many of my friends from prominent Muslim homes as well as family members who have succumbed to the pressure of their parents and who are suffering today and are extremely unhappy. They may have all the luxury yet they are suffering in silence having to deal with husbands coming home late, intoxicated with weed or other forms of drugs who have visited strip clubs. I do not want this life for myself. I am completely against it. And the parents who encouraged them to do so give the response I married someone I did not want to, and so you can do it to yet the lives of their parents are in turmoil themselves, despite all the wealth in the world they are looking for illness, finding fault with their lives, sleeping in separate bedrooms to their husbands, yet these same woman and their husbands encourage their children to follow in their footsteps.
If one is in this situation currently and faced with the option of being with someone truly decent, yet their parents object to it on the basis that the boy is over-weight or not as attractive as other boys yet they admit there is no fault with him otherwise, yet in anger find multiple faults with the boy just to put their child off. What should one do? When talking and trying to make the parents understand that despite the weight of the boy it is someone you dont see as a huge problem, what should one do? In every marriage it will not be perfect and in every marriage there is unforeseeable problems and circumstances which arise, I am not naive to that fact, marriage is not a perpetual honeymoon. But if your parents are trying to predict your future to discourage you to be with someone due to their appearance and weight, what should one do?
I as well as many of my friends and family members are in the same predicament, yet our parents are overjoyed to let us marry someone who is indulging in haraam. What do we do in this situation? We listen to our parents and be unhappy? Or fight it off and do everything possible to let us make our own choice?
I personally do like someone who meets every criteria a husband should meet, pious, educated, prominent home, decent, good morals and etiquettes however he is a bit over-weight. Should this marriage be forbidden? Is this marriage islamicaly wrong? Am I at fault?
Trying to make my parents see reason is an impossible task and Im being bullied into believing what they want me to believe. I dont know what more to do and I am very much aware of the consequences of making the wrong decision which would be a life long of misery with the wrong companion, and I do not want to be one of those girls that sit every day at the house of their parents while the husband does his own thing and conducts himself anyhow or the wife sitting by her mother 24/7 unable to take care of her home and her marriage. I would like a true companion, someone I can get along with and be with and talk to, who is on the same wavelength as me, god fearing and yes who I am attracted to, who is educated and sensible. Yet when I try to explain this to my parents or IF they ask me what is it that I like so much about this boy, and I give that response to them, they fight as well as argue that it is impossible for me to like someone and be attracted to someone that is fat. My parents are under the impression that a fat boy is an immature boy, which they have stated and if he was to lose weight it would mature him. Yet a thin boy on drugs is automatically mature. Is this correct?
I have decided to speak to the boy seeing if he will lose weight just so I can marry him, but I am aware this is a life long problem and I dont believe I should go through this situation if I do not have a problem with the boy and nor to my parents apart from his weight and thus finding fault with very being due to his weight.
I am not the only girl going through this situation many of the youth of today are facing this problem, it is not enough that we should stick to our casts (i.e. Memon or Surti) it is now that we have to ensure the future suitor is a super model with no faults what so ever.
Due to the fact that you are someone that is listened to and has a large number of followers I have sent this email to you knowing that you can educate our parents, elders and youth both to take advice of the parents but as well as the fact that parents should give good advice and LOOKS, APPEARANCES and WEALTH play a part but is ONLY important to a certain extent and should not be the number one criteria for finding a husband or wife. Both males and females in our community suffer from parents dictating who they should marry.
I plead with you to please discuss the matter, facebook about it, tweet about it, lecture about it and get the message across as our ummah has LOST sight of what is important and are pushing their youth away.

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Asked on November 16, 2012 11:52 am
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Jazakumullaah for your input
 
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Answered on November 16, 2012 11:52 am
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