Question ID: 25913
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Assalamu ‘alaykum Respected Mufti,

I hope and pray that you are well insha Allah by the mercy of Allah and continue to be of service to the deen. Ameen.

Respected Mufti, I am married and have been blessed with 4 children, alhamdulillah. My husband works full time and does part time ‘aalim classes in the night after work, alhamdulillah. Masha Allah, alhamdulillah, we are quite well off and we as a family are happy.

However, Respected Mufti, the problem lies in me, the wife and mother. I do not know why but I fail to love my children, especially the two bigger ones (aged 5 and 3+). It is said that mothers love their children dearly and are very affectionate towards them, but this is clearly not my case. I get easily irritated and annoyed by my two kids and after some time, will snap at them. I admit, I have hit them too (may Allah forgive me for my weakness). I see my children not as a blessing from Allah but more of a chore and burden (may Allah forgive me). To me, I feel that they have taken up and continue to take up my time. I am unable to take a break from them. I do not have anyone to assist me and therefore look forward to when my husband is around. At least he is able to ease my workload a little, alhamdulillah (may Allah reward him well).

It is very stressful for me to look after the children – making breakfast, cleaning up, breastfeeding, bathing them, getting them dressed, cooking (my biggest worry as I find it stressful to cook due to it not being my forte), housework, cleaning up after them, laundry, folding clothes…the list is endless. By the time I am done for the day, it would be around 9-9:30pm and I would be dead tired. My husband has decided recently to add a ‘rule’ in that from 11pm-12am daily, it is ‘his’ time. But before that, I will have to take a shower and make sure that by the time he comes home, I am ready for him.

The fact that I do not have friends around makes matters worse. I used to go out to teach at an all girls school a few years back and I enjoyed it very much as I get to interact with other people. But everything just went downhill since we moved and have more children. I stopped interacting with other people and hardly go out because I don’t have a driving licence (I have taken some lessons recently but had to stop because I went back to my homeland to give birth). I was able to take lessons because my husband was able to work from home on some days then, but not in the current company.

Respected Mufti, my husband and I are also thinking about the education of our children and have decided on homeschooling after receiving advice from ‘ulamaa. We feel that inshaAllah, this is the best method to educate our children, insha Allah. I have since been trying to read up on homeschooling, attended seminars for home educators and gotten in touch with some people who have experience in homeschooling, alhamdulillah. But, the thought of homeschooling is very daunting upon me in the sense that, how am I going to carry it out when I barely get through the day? Where am I going to find time for it and on top of that still maintain the household and my sanity?

Respected Mufti, in all honesty, I try my best in being a good wife and mother. What do you advise me to do? I do not want my children to remember me as an angry and unloving mother but as someone who cares about them and loves them dearly. Could you tell me how can I improve myself so that the love for my children can grow within my heart and to look at them as a blessing? I really despise myself and regret that I look towards my children with hatred (may Allah remove this blameworthy quality from me). Also, looking at my circumstances, in what ways can I serve the deen of Allah too? Another thing is that, till what age am I allowed to bathe my children together (ie. the boys together or the girls together)? Bathing them together is done to save time but I want to know till what age am I allowed to bathe them together.

Repsected Mufti, jazakAllahukhayr for your time and effort.

I do await for your reply patiently.

Ma’assalamah.

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Asked on November 29, 2012 1:33 am
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Private answer
You have to control your self. Realize your Role. Note your responsibility has changed. You should change your attitude. You should separate the children and bath them. Many times we worry about others and forget our essential responsibilities. Control temper.
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Answered on November 29, 2012 1:33 am