I am a 19 year old girl in U.S. When I was a kid, I used to get really scared about stuff that happened to other people. I would think that it will happen to me. I think I was also depressed when I was younger. One time I heard about something on the news that I got so scared I couldnt sleep properly after that. I became somewhat more quiet and depressed. I didnt tell my parents because I didnt want to wake them up every night. Later on, when I was 12 I got really sick that I had headaches everyday and I was soo tired that I didnt feel like doing anything. But I did. I began reading about Allah and Islam. I put all my trust in Allah. Every year I would feel weaker and weaker. The doctor found nothing wrong. But one year, we found out that I had really high blood pressure the whole time along with worrying and not getting enough sleep. I began exercising and just trusting Allah. I became really close to Allah. I would try to do everything I could. But I still had trouble sleeping so I was still somewhat depressed. But I became more religious and I was really happy. It was a very spiritual, calming time in my life.
When I entered college, I was still depressed in a way. Sleeping was better but I still didnt sleep enough so I was always tired and didnt feel like doing anything. I began watching movies whenever I could around April. I felt bad for wasting time like this but it helped me keep my mind off of tiredness and stress. During May I began praying more and reading more Quran but I would still watch movies or read novels to help me feel better. One day, I watched a scary movie. Before going to sleep I thought about whether or not I would feel scared during the night. I started having thoughts about how those things can happen to me too. Or what if I did something like that. I got really scared but told myself I wouldnt. But then just as those thoughts had easily come, this thought came that theres no God, what religion wouldnt allow us to do anything like this. It was very strange. I think my mind accepted just like that and when I woke up the next day, I was really really depressed like I’d lost something. I tried not to think about the thought I had at night but they kept coming. In order to distract myself, I began watching more movies. I didnt know what to do. I tried to pass time by getting out of the house more or whatever would distract me. I still read and prayed but I was so focused on those thoughts I had. When I was praying there was no Khushoo. I ddint know what to think about. In Sajdah I would just pray that if theres a God please dont let me do anything bad and please dont let me disbelieve. I would read Islamic stuff online and see Muslim people and cry that I wanted to be like them and that I’d lost something very important. After about a month, I read about Jahanumm and how people who didnt believe were sent there. I believed everything about it and Islam but since I had been so depressed, I sort of blocked my thoughts about Allah.
I ddint talk about anything like thanking or asking for forgiveness which I used to do all the time before. So whenever I thought about Allah I couldnt. Nothing would come. I thought Allah had left me. So I spent another 2 weeks or so being more depressed. I knew I was going to Jahanumm. I slept more because what was the point of waking up if I was going there. More scarier thoughts started coming about doubts with religion and stuff it. I never had these thoughts before so I was always scared about waking up because I would have these thoughts. I also read about waswaas and nafs so I felt a little better but I felt soo empty. My mind would sometimes tell me that Allah is forgiving but what I did was so bad that its unforgiveable. At times I thought about giving up prayer and everything because I didnt want to be a hypocrite since they go to hell. And I also thought that Allah didnt accept my prayers anymore. I still prayed but I didnt feel the same. It sort of became a burden. All of a sudden, worse thoughts starting coming to mind that I had never even thought about towards anyone. They kept on coming whenever I would try to think of Allah or anything about the religion. It was like I was blaming Allah for not stopping the thoughts that came to mind when I watched the movie. Right now, my heart and mind have become so empty or something of that nature. Sometimes I think I should stop thinking of religion at all but then Im still trying to hold on but so weakly. Whenever I think of Allah bad things come to mind that arent even realistic. I dont know whats going on anymore. I cant seem to study or talk with others properly. I keep searching for advice. I read about how if a person leaves the dhikr of Allah, the qareen is assigned to the person or how Allah places a veil on certain peoples hearts. Im in a very difficult situation and I dont know what to do. Please let me know what you think or if theres someone else I can talk to about this.