Question ID: 25739
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Salaams
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I have been married for four months now & I am separated from my husband.

The reasons for the separation are as follows:

1. My husband refuses to provide separate living quarters we were living in his parents home in Phoenix , Durban. His mother, father & younger sister live in the house, it is extremely small & has just one bathroom. His elder sister, her husband & their 3 children live in the out building which is just a few metres from the main house & are most of time in the small main house & have most of their meals there.

There is no privacy our room is right next to his parent’s room & his family are constantly in & out of our room, my husband claims we have enough privacy, his mother opens my wardrobes all the time & other family members touch my personal stuff also.

2. My husband fully supports his family, even his elder sister who is a dental surgeon & her husband is a doctor eat at the main house & my husband pays for the groceries.

His father is 57 years old & is retired although he is capable of doing outdoor work like building & fixing cars he does not work to support his wife & 18 year old youngest daughter who is studying & my husband pays for her clothes & studies.

My husband never gave me an allowance although he did buy me a few articles of clothing in the time we were married. I am working but islamically is it not the husband’s duty to support his wife & her money is her own to save?

I was ill on one occasion & went to the doctor & paid for the bill myself – +-R 800.

3. They have a dog which is left free in the yard, I am extremely scared of dogs & whenever I go outside to dry the washing or to go to the car or the lift for work the dog chases me & jumps on me & this is napaak, also when the washed clothes are drying the dog touches the clothes. They deny this.

4. I had complained about the dog which is not my husbands but his sister’s & brother-in-law’s his dad then said he is getting more dogs likes rotweillers & pitbulls.

5. My mother-in-law took on of our wedding gifts which was a food processor & is using it without my permission.

6. When I am asleep my husband allows his family even his brother-in-law into the room.

7. Whenever I want to go out with my husband he says he has no money but he has money for his family when everyone goes out together.

8. I have on numerous occasions told my husband to please get our own premises or to build another outbuilding with our own room, kitchen & bathroom he refuses to do so. He earns well as he is a Software Developer but all his money goes on his family. He even owns his own house in johannesburg which is on rent.

I told him he can help them financially even if we are on our own but to a lesser extent he does not want to hear of this.

9. My husband said it is not only because of finances that he cannot leave, he said there is a jinn in the house & only he can protect his family from it. I told him to go to a maulana & remove it & only Allah can protect in such a case not him, he refuses to listen.

10. I travelled with a lift club from work to Phoenix & had to wait 1 hour for the lift after work, he does not want to pick me up although he finishes work much earlier. I asked him to pick me up one time he said no he has to take his mother to Spar after work, his dad is not working & is at home the entire day & has a few vehicles. It was raining & I had to wait half an hour in the rain & I have sever ear problems & sinusitus which made me sick.

11. He constantly picks on my family my mother & sister saying that they teach me to disobey him, my family have not inteferred in our lives at all we live with his family who give us no space, privacy or alone time.

12. He refuses to employ a maid when I agreed to help him pay for the maid, he had to ask his mother’s permission & she said NO even when I found a maid & was going to pay the salary.

13. When I cook his mother constantly stands behind me & tells me what to do, this is not fair as I have a right to cook the way I do.

14. I called my parents to pick me up on the 16th of November because I was at my witts end my husband refuses to respect me as a wife or my rights.

When my parents came they wanted to discuss things civilly & try to sort out the problem & not take me away but he & his family listened to nothing his father behaved very aggressively was swearing & threatening & said “SORT YOUR WIFE OUT” & “MY SON WILL NOT LEAVE THIS HOUSE I WILL SHOOT”

I then packed some clothes & went home with my parents.

I called my husband on 20 November, we agreed to meet & try to reconcile, when we met he was agressive & picking on my family & said “F off” & “COME TAKE YOUR STUFF” he also said “COME ALONE OR I WILL SHOOT YOUR PARENTS IF THEY ENTER MY YARD”

The next day I went with police estcout because of his threat & got all my stuff, his mum & dad were telling him “Ask for the ring & jewellery from her & give her talaaq” He did not give me talaaq to date.

From then I am at my parents home in pmb, my husband makes no attempt at reconcilliation, we do communicate by sms & e-mail & I have telephone him a couple times he said “He does not want talaaq & I must come back but he will not get our own place!”

Yesterday & today he told me “POST MY RING & JEWELLERY & STUFF & I WILL GIVE YOU TALAAQ”

Please advise are we already in talaaq & the mehr (ring & jewellery) should it be returned!
He also said he still loves me & did not want all this but only blames my family who had nothing to do with it.

Shukran

Wasalaam

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Asked on December 18, 2009 12:00 am
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Private answer
Currently you are not divorced also the gifts like the ring and jewellery are yours not his or theirs in the event of divorce. Go to your local Jamiat and try to patch up. The solution is:-
1) Seperate accomodation
2) Non interferance from his side on the family.
3) Non interferance from your side of the family.
4) For him to provide and run the house.
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Answered on December 18, 2009 12:00 am